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Friday, 12 March 2010

Week 2

Didn't think I would still be writing about this... I though it would all end but maybe its just the beginning of a long heartbreaking, tear-filled month. Weird, "one less lonely girl" is currently playing on MTV. Why is it that a boy 5 years younger than me gives me hope that guys can be sweet. He will grow up one day and I hope he stayes the same, even though we all know there will be change. How many times do I need to call back for him to realize how much I care. Do I expect too much? The way I see it is, I would like to recieve the same that I give. I am giving so much for this man, when will he see? He only opens his eyes when i'm leaving, or when he thinks hes losing me. I said I would never leave him, that was before he made me cry myself to sleep thinking how useless I am on this distant place. No movie, song, or food makes me feel better anymore, not even him. I really don't know what else to do.
Currently my mind is empty. We have been on and off, mostly good but tonight flipped the switch once agian. I dont even remember what started it, oh thats a lie I remember exactly. My boyfriend signed up for the army without talking to me about it or anything. How should this make me feel... proud? no... I wish it did. All I feel is alone. I wish i could have known about this so I could understand better. Maybe if he communicated I would also understand why he won't visit me this weekend. Nevermind I perfectly understand, its because hes doing what I did to him 2 years ago. Because I deserve it right now in my life... I need to go through what he went through. The pain anyone endures should never be wished or forced upon another. We should learn from eachothers experiences and mistakes, not bashing or continuing to put them down for it. What kind of life is that? to remind people constantly of their negatives. That concludes the negative life you lead. My cup will always be half full and what you have done to me to break me and beat me... are things I will never do to you. If you care about somebody all you should try to do is stop and prevent their pain, not wish it upon them.
This is why i'm confused. I feel like he wishes this pain upon me, and doesn't want it to stop. If he doesn't want me in pain, he would try to help me or try to make me happy. He would try to make me remember the good and stop reminding me of the bad. I'm tanning for you, dyed my hair for you... not for myself or anyone else. I'm still trying to impress the boy I have been with for 2 years. No matter how much he makes me cry or gives me that SSP or kills my idea of being, I will still love him? So do I have a problem? or is this just a solution to what I need in life? Well see... all I can do is wait and hear what he has to say tomorrow. I want to know someone wants me or needs me. I don't want to have to meet anyone to give me something thats missing. I just want my boyfriend to give that to me... no matter what has happened in our past.
He has read my weblogs... yeah he gave me the most meaningful kiss I have felt in a while. I'm speechless... Thank you MTV music can still save me. Linkin Park "Somewhere I belong" is the perfect way to describe how I'm feeling. I need to charge my ipod tomorrow and remind myself that I'm not the only one feeling like this and theres some way to get through. "I want to find something I wanted all along, somewhere I belong" My heart started beating a little again. Laying here reciting the lyrics to this beautiful song, not thinking or feeling...

Saturday, 06 March 2010

Day 4-5 morning 6

hmm. on my bed thinking. non stop thinking. listening to music which distracts me sometimes which is great. I love music. Something I forgot I loved so much. Im trying to remember other things I love in life besides him. Do I love art, fashion, anything anymore? I love my family. I really do no matter what thier flaws or mistakes are, they would never leave me. The past few days were okay.
I tried cooking pasta with him last night. I took the bus to his school to surprise him. It doesn't mean anything. The pasta came out watery... I barely got to proove myself. I left Friday morning, it wasn't a good or bad departure. I didn't feel good... or bad. I knew once I left we wouldnt fight. I was wrong, because I forgot to do something for him. It set his trigger and hes still mad at me. I'm trying so hard not to call him, I hate when hes mad or upset, I want to be here for him. I just wanted him to cut me slack... I don't konw what to do anymore so many thoughts in my head. Yes of course bad ones. I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking, when my mind is empty we have a problem. I may read yes, that will get my mind off it. Or maybe I can do something I have been wanting to do for the past few months. Maybe I can watch the notebook and have icecream, ugh the thought of icecream makes my stomach hurt.
I haven't been too bad with food. I gotta stop so many snacks. I worked out almost everyday this week. Tomorrow i'm gonna clean myself up, go tanning, get my brows done... make myself feel beautiful again. I never thought I would ever be the girl that is almost looking for attention. It's sick... I look down on that trait but this is what things do to a girl who doesn't know who she is or what she needs. I just need him, and I don't have him... and I'm gonna lose him. I'm doing all I can, I just keep telling myself... You're doing your best and there's nothing else you could do... everything else is up to him.
So what now? Do I go to sleep? Do I stay up and wait for him? If he calls when I'm sleeping and I dont answer, he may do something stupid. If I stay up... I will be exhausted tomorrow and all I have ever wanted in the past month is some sleep...
Who knows anymore. Aparently the Goo Goo Dolls know how I feel, thanks for understanding.

Tuesday, 02 March 2010

Day 2 anniversary

Trying to fall asleep last night was a nightmare. I kept checking my phone like I was a desperate girl in high school begging for attention from upperclassmen. After not getting any txt for 20 min I fell asleep. Woke up again almost every hour but not everytime I checked my phone. The only time I did was at 2:33am. He sent texts :) More than normal at night. It felt good and after that I thought I would be able to sleep peacefully. After a night of tossing and turning I woke up realizing it was our anniversary. 2yr 1mo. How sweet when your broken up. To me it still counts. I didn't change my status anywhere no one really knows about this breakup so the anniversary is still on. I gave him a call and I only sent 2 txts. He needs space so I'm stopping myself so much from telling him how much I miss him or how much I cant stop thinking about him. I don't expect him to communicate a lot today. I just get bad feelings when I dont hear from him for a while. This break up is really scaring me, I cant lose him especially to another girl ahh that SSP again.
I'm in class right now and I cant stop thinking about him. I cant focus, all I keep doing is looking down at the ring. I just want to cry but I know that wont make anything better. I have decided to do something this week that I should have done a long time ago.
Its around 8pm. My whole day surprisingly went better than I thought. After class he picked me up! At the time I was worried, happy, and scared. A rollercoaster of emotion and thoughts were running through my head. He hasn't said "I love you" all day, does this mean he's breaking it TOTALLY off? Oh God, stop... just because he hasnt said "I love you" for a few hrs im going to assume he doesn't love me anymore? Your crazy. He is in love with me and I am in love with him, I always will be. I went to his classes, we ate together, and spent the rest of the day together. It was lovely :) I couldnt stop smiling. He easily makes me smile. He complained a little about my outfit, hair, make-up.. etc. nothing new just same old but WHATEVER im with him! thats all that matters :) Were planning on watching a movie together on Thursday. So basically I went through all this worried pain for the past few days. He has decided that we are meant to be, hes just worried about our future together, his future with me. Which is understandable, honestly when i'm really upset with him I think "am I going to go through this for the rest of my life?" the difference is I have trust in him that he will be my everything and I just have to proove to him that I will be his everything. I know I have potential, I know my secret qualities waiting to be awaken. All I need is time to focus. I have so many things on my mind right now in this chapter of my life, honestly the last thing im worried about is how to cook. But I want to prove to him how great of a girl I am. The end for today. I love him.
Not the end for today. In bed, hoping I can sleep tonight, I probably can. I think were still on this "break" but it feels weird. It feels like were in between a break/non-break. W.e. it is as long as it starts to feel normal soon. He still gives me the butterflies, I just wish that first chapter of a relationship lasted forever... you know those times where NOTHING bothered you and you couldn't stop giving eachother compliments. I still see the good over the bad in him... and the way I see him now is exactly like the first day I met him. I am still madly in love with him.
I had stupid little bite muffin things this morning realizing I have no healthy food in my dorm. Don't want to talk about food anymore. I had a sub for lunch from subway and 2 slices of pizza for dinner. I don't regret it but I failed on my "fake diet" I didn't work out because I took that time to be with the love of my life, so kill me. :) Oh and apparently I CAN NEVER BE A BARTENDER. maybe i'll try to blog about that? yes I decided while I'm using Biore unclogging pore strips I will try to blog about this. btw I did a 30 min workout video today (Kickboxing) working off that pizza :)

Monday, 01 March 2010

Don't know how to blog: Day 1

My title is obvious but just incase it isn't clear enough I don't really understand blogging or anything I wish there was a "xanga for dummies". Since there isnt, until I figure it out I'm just going to use this as a journal.
The reason for "Day 1" in my title is because it's day 1 of the "break-up" in my 2 year relationship with my soulmate. He decided he needed a break, some space, a reassurance. No this does not mean he will hook up with other people, that isn't the reason for this break. I am just going to jot down my feelings everyday until i'm with him again.
I am also going to jot down my new healthy way of living. I don't like being on a "diet" because it means restrictions and I never feel guilty breaking those restrictions. I grew up around good home cooked meals and since college I have just been scrounging around for anything that I can afford or anything close to my old meals. As you can imagine that didn't go well for my weight or health. I want to learn more about my body and what's good for it or not. That's the end of my little introduction, onto the therapy.

Space meaning, less texts, not seeing eachother? Hmm well all i keep doing is looking at my phone and starting to type a new text.. but before sent, i just clear. Don't bother him now, let him miss you, dont smother him. I can do it even though I miss him so much. Honestly right now laying in bed all I want to do is watch an episode of friends with him and laugh together. His chain on my neck is heavy but it feels comforting. Exchanging our most prized necklaces, his of a crucifix, and mine of the Italian horn and the boot. This is like a "promis" to me, that we will see eachother again. I think im too worried about this break, but I should be because so many things could happen. Just thinking about losing him forever gives me that pain in my stomach that sharp stabbing pain. I dont know if anyone has ever felt it before, its that feeling when you know he cheated, its that feeling when you know you messed up... its that feeling. I'm going to call it SSP. (sharp stabbing pain) yuck its the worst. I never wish it upon anyone.
Love does crazy things to people. In a weird way I love it? I love LOVE and all its weird emotions that go with it. I think being in love is a part of life and it can help you learn more about yourself and your future. Unlucky for me, I still dont know who I am. I like every kind of style, and my personality is all over the place. One chapter of my life I hated everyone and was just plain mean, that didn't get me anywhere. The next chapter didn't do much either, letting everyone push me around. For some reason a small part of me is stuck in that chapter, and I cant wait till I find my way out. I am strong in the mind but weak in the heart. How can I change to be the perfect woman that I'm supposed to be? I have no idea, all i know in this moment is I love him.

Food is my guilty pleasure :) I'm not embarressed to say I love food and I'll try anything. I have decided I'm totally giving up soda. I am learning to love water for whatever it has, (to me nothing). Im a firm believer in taste and richness and water has none of those qualities. Oh well, I will love water. Besides, soda makes me bloated. Since im starting my "healthy me" right now, im not going to talk about what I ate today. I didn't do bad at all but a sandwhich for lunch and cheeseburger for dinner doesn't sound too healthy. Tomorrow is a new day. I never know what to eat for breakfast in college. I only have time for something small that I can grab and eat in class or eat on the way ex: poptarts, special k bars, granola bars, or fruits. I really love cereal and milk because I know how much I need milk (I'm deficent in Vitamine D). Hmm theres never enough time.